Another 2 months have gone by.

The Villages is still where I live, but it’s not home.  And, with the continued cold weather…it’s not even Florida.

Today I thought I had lost my glasses, but found them in my lap.  Within 15 minutes found that I had another free rental at Blockbuster.  Just when I think that things couldn’t get any more gray, two really cool things happen to show me there is always something for which to be grateful.  Even when it’s raining and cold.

I’ve been given a gift of a place to live, a nice place.  The reason I am here, he, has calmed down a lot since the last time I wrote.  He’s still a Jekyll and Hyde though, I never know which one will walk through the door, especially when he’s been drinking.  We’ve had a couple of “in your face” exchanges…he knows now that he’s not going to walk all over me, that I’m not fooled by his “handicap”…that I see beyond it and I see that he’s been able to use it well for many years.  He’s being held accountable for his actions and, I think, he’s coming around.

His 81 year old father…even he’s making some progress…he doesn’t call nearly as often each day.  I received a box of chocolates for Valentine’s day, but when I wouldn’t give him a kiss, he took the candy with him when we went back to the apartment as he calls it.  He still tells me he loves me, and he still asks, nearly every day, if I feel the same way towards him…when I say that I’m sorry, but I don’t feel that way…sometimes he asks when I’ll be leaving his home.  He doesn’t remember most of what happens and so we replay the same script again and again…

I’ve missed the golf cart…and the wildlife and my life too.   I’ve  missed dancing at the squares, I’ve missed my friends and I’ve missed the peacefulness of living alone.

I’ve learned, after almost 8 years, to let go of the light of my life, even though I’ll never let go of the memories of three wonderful years I spent with her.  She was born on March 8, 2002.  She’ll be 8 years old in a few days…and I can still see her in my heart.   She touched me like no one else has…she was my sunshine on a cloudy day…My Girl.  I love you, Madison.   And, I miss your smile.

Second to Madison, my Mokie girl…she’s getting along fine without me too.  But I’m told that she misses me…as I do her.  But life dictates that those we love aren’t always meant to walk with us…we have to learn to cherish each moment we have because we never know when those moments will end.

The 20 year younger blonde has exited, stage left…and my old roommate says he understands now how much I contributed to his life; I’m welcome to come back and pick up where I left off, cleaning, shopping, taking care of the house, the dog, the yard, etc.   As long as I let him “be free” to live his life at the same time.  Be my valentine….

I never thought that the money I had carefully saved would evaporate so quickly…that the credit score I worked so hard to maintain - gone.   While I’m struggling to keep my head above water, the thought of all the things I could be enjoying had I been more aware of the financial tightrope I was walking…yes, I did it my way.  Like the stories you hear of people facing death, looking back I can see both the pleasure and the pain of the choices I made.  I was caught up in the “you can have it all” lifestyle, throw caution to the wind and “live a little”…you’ve worked hard, now it’s time to play hard, etc., etc., etc.

A penny saved is a penny earned?   Not while it seemed everyone was living the good life; after 911, after the fear abated…I guess maybe I thought that tomorrow could be the last day on earth…why continue to save and prepare for the future?   The future was just one terrorist attack away…if not a terrorist, then cancer from second hand smoke or the polluted water and food supply, acid rain, the depleted ozone layer, global warming…spend, spend, spend.   Gamble with the future, maybe it will all work out.  Leap and the net will appear.

The net I landed in broke and let me fall hard into the reality of the mess I’d made.

Instead of Bankruptcy for Dummies, I’m reading Nolo’s How to file Chapter 7 Bankruptcy.  I’ve spent the last couple of days trying to pull together the necessary information to fill in the myriad of forms I’ll need to file.  I’ve created a couple of websites…and a major site is about to go live.  My hopes of a more permanent stream of income are alive, as are my hopes for a brighter tomorrow and a happier life.

As always, and like Lincoln said, I’m as happy as I make up my mind to be.   Things could always be worse.