When I moved into this safe haven in Rio Ponderosa in May there were 3 empty retention ponds out back, with the bigger, nearly empty, lake beyond.  There was brush in the lake, resulting from, well…what I now know as, the result of rapid growth and lots of rain.

The empty retention ponds were apparently mowed along with the grass surrounding them, until the rains came soon after I moved in…with the rains came increasing water depth and finally, true, “ponds”.

At first there was just this lovely, pristine, expanse of water on the three ponds…and eventually evidence of life, what looked like water drops on the surface, turned out to be tadpoles which then turned into frogs.  There were frogs EVERYWHERE, especially after the rain.  What I know as green tree frogs would climb up onto the windows, the drainspouts, the screened porch…green frogs everywhere.

I then noticed minnows in the ponds, and I remember the day I saw the FIRST gator…coming from the “big” lake into the middle retention pond, the one with the culvert which brought all the rain runoff from the streets, the pond which filled up first.   It was during another rainstorm when I realized there were BABY GATORS…at least 3 or 4, it wasn’t until a month or two later when a really big rainstorm uncovered the fact that there were at least 10 baby gators, and 3 of different sizes as well.  When the rains would come, the ponds would rise and you could see the gators swimming freely at the surface of the water.

I guess I’ve left out the part where over time, from the discovery of the tadpoles and the minnows, grass began to grow in the middle pond, then a tree or bush of some kind also appeared.  This growth gave the gators and frogs places to hide, and gave the waterfowl places to eat…The backyard became a zoo, with ducks, cranes, turtles, gators, bats, owls, frogs, etc.  It was beautiful, especially the excitement when the rains came and the ponds would fill to the top.

Over time the grass and plant life has continued to grow and now there are flowering water plants, algae (there hasn’t been rain in awhile again and the ponds are drying up again), the grass growing from under the water is plentiful and quite high and the visibility of the gators, and even some of the wildlife foraging for food is hindered.

The ponds, while beautiful in their own way, have become cluttered with plant life.   I guess it depends on what the beholder prefers…to me, the landscape needs some spring cleaning.

Even with the clutter, today, for the first time in a while (have been away for days at a time with other commitments), I have seen 4 gators, the reduced to 4 family of Moorhens (at one time it was just the two parents, then parents with 2 chicks, then the 4 of them as the chicks grew and then, one day, 4 more chicks and there were 8 Moorhens…now there are only the 4, 2 of the youngest chicks, one of the older chicks and one parent)…a huge turtle and a not so huge turtle, two pairs of sandhill cranes…

It occurred to me that Nature could use a storage unit to house all the grass, plants, and algae that is growing within the ponds…

I’ll be leaving here soon, my 7 month commitment may be cut to 6 months…I expect that the ponds will dry up again and will again be mowed over along with the surrounding lawn…and that someone, some lucky person, will get to watch the process start all over again from the closed in lanai at the back of this house.

The circle of life in real life.

A call to the IRS brought about another fracture to the fragile porcelain vase that is my life.   At this moment in time.

On July 14, Susan faded.

Splintered.

Pretense.  Manufactured joyfulness.  The dam broke on July 14.

A call to get a second extension for the 2008 taxes…an unnecessary call, it turns out, because an extension is good for 6 months.

It’s been 3 months.  In 14 days.

May, June, and half of July…dancing at the square at least one night a week, driving a golf cart through the streets of The Villages.  Happy.

Pretending to be a Villager.

Pretending that everything is going to be ok, that everything was ok, that some miracle would happen and everything would be fine.

The truth?

Everything is going to be ok, everything is ok.

Everything is fine.

I had forgotten, not forgotten, instead, I had shelved the reality of 2007 IRS obligation.  Figured they were just behind…yeah, that’s what it had to be, the IRS was so busy with all the other people who had lost their jobs…the IRS was behind.  That’s why I hadn’t heard from them.

On July 14, I asked the person on the other end of the line, “say, I haven’t heard anything about the 2007 debt I owe….”

A few minutes later, I learned that the Lady Lake address I had provided in April 2009, when I filed the extension for 2008…that address had not been provided to the folks sending letters to New Orleans asking for payment.

A levy had been placed on my bank account.  That’s what I think the man said…the truth is, I don’t know exactly what he said.  I only know that I went weak, had to sit down, curl up into a ball, and try to remember to breathe.

The bank account I’ve been using to survive, while waiting for the financial miracle that I had known, “is coming, any day now…I just had to hang on”.  But, there had been no miracle, and now that bank account was no longer accessible.   As of July 14, there was no longer any to reason to continue to try to maintain the 719 credit score.   The last thing I had to hold on to, my credit score, that, too, was about to be taken away.  On more than on occasion I had predicted that although everything else has been taken away… my job, my security, my home, my connection to friends, animals, my girl…my precious baby girl (I’ve got sunshine, on a rainy day…when it’s cold outside…I’ve got the month of May…my girl, my girl), although everything had been taken way, I still had my good credit.

Of course, I know now, even my good credit was a facade.

In the days following the reality of my situation, I experienced a disconnect.   This can’t be real.  I am the college graduate.  I am the one who believes that everything is going to work out for the best.  I am the one who expects a miracle.  I am the one who…

I am the one who is going to have to file bankruptcy.

It took a few weeks before I was able to wrap my mind around the future.   I went to church every Sunday; I was sick and empty inside.  I smiled.  I cried.  I talked to an attorney.  I talked to another attorney.   When I went up to the alter for prayer, for direction, and was told by the couple there that, they too were going to consult with an attorney the following Monday, that’s when I knew it was “ok” for me to stop struggling.  To let go, to let God.

Kind of funny, bankrupt.   The word.  The premise.  It can mean financially empty, emotionally empty, physically empty.  It can mean all of those things.

It’s taken me weeks to be able to form the words, “file bankruptcy”, in conversation.  At first, all that would come to my tongue, instead of the words, “file bankruptcy”, what would come were the words, “commit suicide”.

Most of the time, I still have to mentally stop and force myself to think or say the right words, “file bankruptcy”.  Otherwise, it’s the other phrase that is formed.  While I would not commit suicide, it tends to scare friends and family to hear someone utter, or even start to utter, the words.

There is still no steady income, but there is some money trickling in.  There is no promise of employment, but there are a couple of prospects.  There is no certainty about where I will be living at the end of October, but there are possibilities.

Tonight was the season opener for Private Practice.  Before that, was the second show of the season for Grey’s Anatomy.  In both shows, characters in distress were told to “breathe”.  Breathe.

Overall, everything I’ve written here…are just Words.   A story.

There have been at least 3, maybe 4 earthquakes in the past 48 hours.  I have witnessed ambulances, fire trucks, car crashes and road kill, all evidence of much more serious matters than filing bankruptcy and being allowed the privilege of STARTING OVER AGAIN.

Bankruptcy is one of the top life stressors.  I was told this just today.

It’s only money…when you get down to the bare bones of the event, it’s only money.

I’m alive, relatively healthy, STILL living in The Villages, STILL driving around in a golf cart.  Oh, the emptiness is real.  The inablity to take a deep breath is real.  The lack of purpose, the lack of direction, the lack of focus, all real.

But, I can breathe.

And, as has always been the case, I CAN CHOOSE what to believe, what to focus on, what to do next.  My mom didn’t fall apart when I shared the news with her this past week.  My sister and brother-in-law didn’t start lecturing me when I shared the news with them 2 weeks ago.  EVERY CREDITOR representative I have spoken to these past couple of weeks, EVERY ONE OF THEM, has been kind, supportive and have acknowledged, “it is not your fault” and “you are not alone”.  Most everyone of them has said, “I’ll be praying for you”.  Bank employees I’ve spoken too while closing out my accounts have told me that THEY TOO have filed bankruptcy.

I can breathe.